Editing Letter

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|name=Letter
|image=[[File:Letter.png]]
|category=Item
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'''Letters''' are a special item which can be found in houses and other buildings throughout the Archipelago.  Using a letter allows the player to view its contents.  Each letter gives some backstory to the situation on the Archipelago in the form of letters sent between one person and another, and in some cases from robots to residents of the nearby villages.

Letters are numbered from 0 to 24, for a total of 25 letters.  Letters are roughly chronological based on their number, e.g. Letter 3 was sent before Letter 4 and so on.  Not all letters will appear in every playthrough.

==Letters==
<!-- The poem tag doesn't work for some reason.  We need to find a way to fix that to preserve formatting on these letters. -->
===Letter 0===
<blockquote>My dear A,
	It has come to my attention that something 
peculiar has been going on across the estate. The crude
folk from our local village have been reporting that their
scarecrows are "watching" them, and that there's "something
in the woods". I am certain this is nothing more than local
superstition and poppycock, but it's interesting that their
blood is up. You know how these country types can get if 
they're not dealt a firm hand!
	It is my intention to send my man Dunbridge into the
field with some scientific equipment. Perhaps he can find out
more.
	Yours, Parsons</blockquote>

===Letter 1===
<blockquote>Valued Correspondent,
	It's our delight to inform you that your relative, 
a Mrs Cakeshot of Longwell Ham, Colebury, has passed 
away, leaving you the sum of TWELVE POUNDS AND 
SEVENTEEN PENCE ONLY in her inheritance proclamation. 
Having deducted our own handling fee for your convenience, 
we've enclosed the THREE POUNDS AND ELEVEN 
PENCE ONLY amount that you are now entitled to claim. 
Please provide us with a banker's draft for FIVE  POUNDS 
AND NINETEEN PENCE along with the exact details of your 
own state of health (counter-signed by a doctor or lawyer)
in order to claim this amount. If you do not claim, then our 
legal team will not be happy.</blockquote>

===Letter 2===
<blockquote>Dearest Grimwild,
	I am writing to inform you that I will not be visiting
this summer. The reason for this is that I've been unable to 
get away from the island. I am not even sure this letter will
reach you, due to the terrible losses sustained by shipping in 
the local area. There's talk of a lusty whale, but my own strolls
along the clifftops suggest there's something more sinister at
work upon the waves. I believe it could well be a very large
seagull. Mr Hadley says that a giant bird could not disrupt
shipping in this way, much less sink the ferry, but I do not
accept his assessment of the danger of large seabirds. I once
saw one eat a pigeon, and will never forget.</blockquote>

===Letter 3===
<blockquote>To Whom It May Concern,
	This correspondence has been target at all residents
of the island, with the specific intention of alerting you to
the danger of strangers. If you encounter a stranger, please
first ask them to make talk about the weather. If they are 
enable or unwilling to engage in such polite trade, then you
must report them to the police, immediately.
	All strangers must be registered with the local 
desk sergeant, or face immediate dishamperment. A local
Magistrate has issued fines against several youths who
failed to report a strange hanging about at the back of
the old mill. So watch it.
	The Parish Security Club</blockquote>

===Letter 4===
<blockquote>Dearest A,
	I'm afraid my man never returned from the woods.
In fact, no one who has left Paulgrove Manor has reappeared
and I now find myself quite alone. Even the cook seems
to have vanished, and it's only by virtue of these messenger
birds that I am able to keep in contact with you in London.
I fear something fell is afoot in the island. I went for a walk
this morning and didn't even see any of the local poor people
doing their usual frolicking or collecting of things from the
ground. Perhaps something has happened to them, too.
I am running out of pipe tobacco, and the boiler is an
arcane mystery me.
		Parsons</blockquote>

===Letter 5===
<blockquote>Oh Parsons,
	It does seem as if there's good reason for concern.
Not only was your messenger bird maimed on arrival, but
also I have had terrible dreams, where something mechanical
stalked the fields, and took the hats of gentlemen from their
ripening corpses! Could my psychic disposition be making 
itself know once again? Perhaps the pills provided by Dr
Fabenholt can no longer suppress the power of messages
from the other side. Also, I fear I may had had too much
sherry, as I am unable to rise from the chair in which I write
this note. They say it is gout season.
		Perhaps the butler will find me.
			-A</blockquote>

===Letter 6===
<blockquote>HUMANS,
	PLEASE REPORT TO THE SEA FOR DROWNING
PRACTICE. YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED. FAILURE
TO REPORT FOR DROWNING PRACTICE WILL RESULT
IN FIVE POINTS BEING ADDED TO YOUR REPORT 
CARD. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A REPORT CARD THEN
PLEASE EXPECT IMMEDIATE LEGAL PROCEEDINGS
FOLLOWED BY SWIFT ELECTROCUTION AT THE 
MOST CONVENIENT DATE.
	IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU REMAIN CALM 
AND WALK OUT IN THE OPEN WEARING BRIGHT
CLOTHES. WE ARE NOT THE ENEMY.
		- FRIENDLY LOCAL BUSINESSMEN</blockquote>

===Letter 7===
<blockquote>HUMANS,
	WE COME IN PEACE. WE ARE NOT FOREIGN OR
IN ANY WAY THREATENING. PLEASE TALK WITH US
ABOUT THE WEATHER AND OTHER THINGS WHICH
MAKE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE. THERE IS NO
DANGER OF YOU BEING DESTROYED. IT IS IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO REALISE THAT NONE OF THE PEOPLE
YOU KNOW WHO HAVE BEEN DESTROYED WERE IN
ANY WAY DESTROYED BY US, OR RELATED FORCES.
ANY DESTRUCTION TO PERSONS RESIDENT ON THESE
ISLANDS IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL TO OUR RECENT
APPEARANCE.
		- UNTHREATENING GENTLEMEN</blockquote>

===Letter 8===
<blockquote>Dear Henry,
	I'm writing to let you know that I've been unable to
purchase a Christmas present for Eleanor this year. I know
that this will inconvenience you in your new life as a clerk
in Birmingham, but conditions on the island have worsened
considerably since you left us. First the drainage problems, 
and now we seem to be fighting a desperate guerilla war 
against robotic invaders. If we survive the next few hours,
then perhaps I will be able to order something for you from
the catalogue. But if not, then you'll have to pick up something
from the department store.
	Love, Mother.</blockquote>

===Letter 9===
<blockquote>Hello there, Neighbour!
	I'm just writing you a quick note to point out that
your house is on fire. I didn't want to knock and disturb
anyone, and you might already have it under control. 
Nevertheless it has been noticed by the neighbourhood
that your door was left open yesterday, and that someone
was screaming inside. As you can imagine, that has led
to some talk and there are rumours going around that 
you are not going to contribute to the fÃªte this year. If
that's true, then you can imagine what Mrs Loams will
say at the next village general meeting. I say all this as
a concerned neighbour who is not judging anyone, least
of all you!</blockquote>

===Letter 10===
<blockquote>TO: The Resident
	You are receiving this letter because you have 
fallen behind in your water registration. If you wish to 
continue receiving water then you must prove that you are
not able to collect water for yourself from a nearby pump
or standing water source such as a lake or ditch.
	You are required to attend a mandatory water
fetching evaluation session which will begin at 6am on
the 3rd of February at Hacklespry Thoam. Please
bring your certificate of Britishness with you to avoid 
slowing down the documentation process. Please
note you you will be subject to spot checks by an untrained 
intern.</blockquote>

===Letter 11===
<blockquote>Dear Dr Hodgement,
	I am writing in the hope that we might be able to
strike up a correspondence. My late wife, Clove Barmstick,
had long been an awe of your studies into stone circles of
Browswick, Ketterton, and Spaldwent. She believed quite
sincerely, as you do, that these circles had deeper power
and meaning than historians and Oxford egg heads will
grant them. I have to admit that I thought it entirely
conflabulated, too, until this past winter. You see, I live
near a similar circle, and I have seen things... Yes. You
must write and tell me whether you wish to learn more.
	Sincerely,	
	Globe Barmstick</blockquote>

===Letter 12===
<blockquote>Mr Barmstick,
	Your offer interests me a great deal, but you 
can't have failed to notice the address to which you
sent your communiqué. I am at her Majesty's pleasure
in the sanatorium at Blue Bishop's Mound. For me to
conduct any further research, I will need to be able to
visit the stone circle. As it is, all I can offer you is my 
condolence, for anyone who has seen the secrets of these
circles seems doomed to face a fate most unpleasant.
If not death, then certainly disgrace and incarceration, 
such as I have faced.
	Gloomily,
		Dr Hodgement</blockquote>

===Letter 13===
<blockquote>Dear Dr Hodgement,
	I know now that you are not mad! I have seen
with my own eyes the things which you claimed must
be possible. I am no fool, however, and I am certain
that I will not be able to convince the authorities of your
sanity without solid evidence. I am no scientists, of course,
but perhaps I could carry out the experiments as per your
instructions, and then write again to you with the data 
gathered. I am keen that the world should know of the
danger these ancient monuments pose. If I can serve
your noble quest in any way, then I will do so. Please 
instruct me accordingly.
		Barmstick</blockquote>

===Letter 14===
<blockquote>Mr Barmstick,
	Before we agree on a course of action, I must be
sure to warn you of the danger you face. These stone circles
do, I believe, allow those who understand their workings to
access what physicists call "The Overlap Effect". It is quite
difficult for me to explain this effect without my chalk board
and props, but let me try: the stone circle is like an engine
which might drag our world close to the fabric of another.
Impossible? You might think so. Magic? It certainly seems
so to men of small intellect. But this is science, Barmstick, 
science as God intended it!
	And the possibilities of this are... sinister.
			H</blockquote>

===Letter 15===
<blockquote>Dear Dr Hodgement,
	I understand the dangers. But I have lived, oh, I have
lived. With Clove gone, I do not fear for myself. I fear only
for the world I might leave behind, and what terrors may 
unleash themselves upon it! I have glimpsed this overlap
you speak of, and I have heard the terrible clanking of the
things which lie beyond. We must act together, and quickly,
not least because I have found out that your rival,
Langridge, is beginning his own research anew, complete
with Imperial funding. It will be difficult to head him off
if we do not act swiftly. What if he is not as clever as you,
and blunders the entire world into danger?
		Barmstick</blockquote>

===Letter 16===
<blockquote>Barmstick,
	Oh how cold my blood ran when I saw you write
of Langridge. That rotter! He will ruin everything with his
haughty meddling! There is nothing I loathe more than his
groomed face and eager eyes. He will be the death of all
good learning in the years to come. I must escape this place
if we are to defeat him. I have sent instructions for some
tests you might run at the stone circle, so that we might get 
a head start. In the meantime, I shall execute my escape plan.
The guards here are easily tricked by gossip and hypnotism.
I shall be with you on the island by Easter.
	Dr H. </blockquote>

===Letter 17===
<blockquote>HELLO SIR OR MADAM,
	WE HAVE CALCULATED THAT YOU ARE DUE
A TAX REBATE OF SEVERAL THOUSAND INCREMENTS
OF HUMAN ARBITRARY VALUE. TO COLLECT YOUR
VALUE AND A SPECIAL AND COMPLETELY HARMLESS
PRIZE, PLEASE REPORT TO THE DERACINATION 
FACILTY ON JAW HILL. THE MURDER COLONEL WILL
MEET YOU AT THE DOOR WITH TEA AND BISCUITS
WHICH CONTAIN NO POISON AT ALL. FAILURE TO 
RESPOND TO THIS LETTER WILL NOT HARM YOUR
CHANCES OF BEING TREATED FAIRLY COME THE
ROBOTIC REVOLUTION.</blockquote>

===Letter 18===
<blockquote>HUMANS!
	FREE AND EDIBLE FLESH IS AVAILABLE FROM
OUR LOCAL REPRESENTATIVES. SIMPLY APPROACH
ANY OF OUR FRIENDLY STAFF TO COLLECT YOUR
COMPLIMENTARY SLICE OF A DEAD ANIMAL WHICH
YOU MAY EAT TO SATIATE YOUR BIOLOGICAL 
NEEDS. PLEASE NOTE THAT YOU WILL NOT BE 
DESTROYED WHEN COLLECTING THIS FREE FLESH
SAMPLE. THAT ABSOLUTELY ISN'T GOING TO 
HAPPEN. WE ALSO HAVE SOME MINTS.</blockquote>

===Letter 19===
<blockquote>GOOD MORNING,
	THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE. PLEASE PUT 
YOURSELF OUTSIDE TOMORROW MORNING FOR 
COLLECTION. OUR FRIENDLY TEAMS WILL MOVE
YOU TO A MORE SUITABLE LOCATION AND CLEAN
YOUR CURRENT DWELLING USING THEIR SPECIAL
EQUIPMENT. ANY HUMANS CAUGHT AVOIDING
DISPOSAL WILL BE OFFERED A QUESTIONNAIRE 
BEFORE BEING ASKED TO VISIT ONE OF OUR
DEDICATED HUMAN-PANDERING FACILTIES, WHERE
THEY WILL NOT BE DESTROYED OR INCINERATED.
IGNORING THIS NOTICE IS CONSIDERED QUITE RUDE
AND WE WILL BE UPSET.</blockquote>

===Letter 20===
<blockquote>Father,
	It has been several weeks since I last heard from
you or mother, and I am beginning to worry. Perhaps
you can get in touch and let me know that you are okay.
I've just moved into a new flat in Swansea, and the 
promotion has enabled me to purchase a 1970s Dilemma 
hatchback. You'd like it, although it has the same design 
flaws as the Trooper Manhorse 500, which we used to visit 
the dales in.
	If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to visit again 
for the bank holiday, and I promise I won't touch mother's 
teapot collection, I've entirely grown out of that phase.
		Your loving son, Jasper.</blockquote>

===Letter 21===
<blockquote>HUMAN NAME: JASPER,
	THIS IS YOUR FATHER AND NOT A MACHINE.
I AM REPLYING TO YOUR PAPER MESSAGE IN ORDER
TO INSIST ON YOUR RETURN TO [HOME ADDRESS].
DO NOT BE ALARMED BY THE LACK OF VILLAGERS,
THEY ARE ALL ON HOLIDAY. THEY GOT A CHEAP
PACKAGE DEAL AND IT IS NICE IN SPAIN AT THIS
POINT IN THE CYCLE AROUND THE SUN. PLEASE
RETURN HOME UNARMED, YOU ARE IN NO DANGER
OF BEING DESTROYED. PLEASE EAT THIS LETTER
AFTER READING. YOUR DIGESTIVE JUICES WILL
CONCEAL ANY EVIDENCE.
		YOUR. DAD.</blockquote>

===Letter 22===
<blockquote>Father,
	I received your reply and I have to say that it worried
me a bit. I have eaten the letter, as you requested, but I am
still worried about you signing off as "Dad". You've always
said that such sentimental names were for softies and foreigners,
which can only lead me to think you are having a crisis.
If it's because of something I have done, then please forgive me.
I've worked really hard to be the kind of son you can be 
proud of, and I've even grown a moustache so that I can carry
on the family tradition, like you and Uncle Robert. I'll come 
home as soon as I can.
		Your loving son, Jasper</blockquote>

===Letter 23===
<blockquote>Dear Howard,
	I've been thinking about our last meeting, and I know
in my heart that you are the one for me. There was something
about the shape of your face and the way it was lit in the 
moonlight... I shall never forget it.
	I know that we're from different worlds, but that doesn't
mean that this isn't love. If you can find any way to break out
of the constraints of your difficult life, then I will always be
here, waiting for you.
	I never believed in soul mates, Howard, but I think
this was meant to be. Write to me again soon, my beloved.
	I shall be waiting. Always.
		Amelia</blockquote>

===Letter 24===
<blockquote>HUMAN NAME: AMELIA
	I TOO AM FAVOURABLE TOWARDS CONTINUED 
MEETING. THIS THING YOU CALL LOVE IS NOT
WITHIN MY NORMAL PARAMETERS. ERROR. PLEASE
SEND ERROR REPORT TO AN ADMINISTRATOR.
	PRESS OK TO CONTINUE.
	SYSTEM NEEDS TO RESTART. OK.
	PERHAPS ONE DAY WHEN I RETURN FROM
MY MISSION OF NOT DESTROYING HUMANS AT ALL
THEN WE CAN BE TOGETHER. HOWEVER, I MAY
END UP BEING DECOMMISSIONED DUE TO MODEL 
V1.24 UPGRADES.
		HOWARD</blockquote>

==Notes==
In previous versions of the game, the text of each letter was largely randomly generated.